Did your libido (your desire) fly out the window with the
arrival of your new bundle of joy? Take heart, you aren't alone.
Women experience fluctuations in hormones throughout pregnancy,
into postpartum. Let's not attribute lost libido all to
hormones, though. Between taking care of baby (and maybe older
children), keeping up (or trying to) on housekeeping, and trying
to keep up on her own sleep, mom is one busy mother! It stands
to reason that her interest in intimacy may be pretty low on the
list of things to accomplish in a day.
It's been suggested that U.S. doctors' claim around 45% of women
suffer from female sexual arousal disorder, or FSAD. While many
feel it's hormonally related, no one can quite figure out how,
or why.
Personally, I like to think of mom in percentages. Mom makes up
a whole, 100%. But if we break her down, this may be what we are
looking at (percentages vary from mom to mom).
Let's chart the make-up of "mom":
80% of "mom" goes toward new baby, older children
10% of "mom" goes to household; basic cleaning, dinner, grocery,
budget/bills
5% of "mom" is very basic daily mom maintenance; washing face,
brushing hair/teeth, getting dressed.
5% of "mom" is left-over for other miscellaneous life
requirements
The first two will fluctuate depending on the age of the
children. As the children grow older, the percentages will
change; older children will require less of mom and in turn, mom
will begin to increase her household chores. The combined
percentage here may drop from 90% down to 70, 60 or 50%,
depending on stages of life.
As the first two change and percentages start re-adjusting, the
last two will also begin to change. As less time is being
devoted strictly to the children and household, mom will start
making more time for herself and thus, her partner.
So what can you do to increase your own desire, now?
First, and maybe most importantly, keep the lines of
communication open with your partner. It's important to make
known your lowered libido isn't their fault. On the other hand,
if you are having issues with your partner, talk about it.
Make time for yourself. Regardless of whether you work outside
the home, or if you are practicing attachment parenting, time
for yourself is imperative. Carve out a time slot for yourself.
No, not a time for you to get your daily personal maintenance
taken care of, i.e. shaving, plucking, etc; but rather a time
for you to relax and unwind. Shut the bathroom door, grab a
magazine, a cup of wine or juice, and relax in a full, bubble
bath complete with candles. Deep breathe, relax, enjoy (repeat).
Compromise may be in order. If you really can't get a spark of
desire going, compromise with your partner. Suggest your partner
take over a daily chore or two that is usually yours. In turn,
you will devote some total one-on-one time. Sometimes snuggle
time is enough; while other times snuggling up may just lead to
'getting down'! Make the most of it!
Schedule some dates for you and your partner. Not just one, but
a standing date, so neither of you forget. And no, don't pencil
it in on the calendar. Mark it in pen! Schedule a date, even a
movie night in, just the two of you. Turn off the phone (and
cell phones); turn off the computer; turn down the lights. Pop
some popcorn. Enjoy the movie, but enjoy each other more.
Be realistic. If you know daily together time isn't going to
happen, don't kid yourself and promise it. It leaves resentment
and guilt behind. Instead, come up with a good plan that both
you and your partner will be able to stick to.
Trial and error throughout life seems to be the rule of thumb.
If one thing doesn't work, try something else and then keep
re-trying. One thing might not work one day, but will another.
Just remember that first suggestion; "keep the lines of
communication open with your partner". Remember that you aren't
alone. Many new moms find their sexual interest has taken a
nose-dive. However, if the percentages the U.S. doctors are
suggesting are remotely accurate, then figure for every one
woman with a terrific sex life, you're likely to find another
woman wishing for one.
About the author:
Judi Cox is a work at home mom living in the Ohio Valley with
her husband and 4 children. Judi's current online interests
include working on two of her websites
http://www.momslittlegarden.com and
http://www.mommamuse.com.
